My work is now done for the day, but the sun has gone down. I don't want to visit a graveyard by myself in the dark. Other than Mom's name in writing, there is nothing about that location that makes me feel close to her.
So instead, I bought myself flowers and I'm writing her a birthday card. With lots of stickers. That's much cheerier, exactly like her.
I don't know which is worse: not being able share celebrations with Mom, or not being able to go to her for comfort when I'm sad. As a kid, I remember a framed proverb a friend wrote in calligraphy for us. It was displayed in our home for years:
Shared joy is twice the joy.
Shared sorrow is half the sorrow.
Recently, there have been many joys and a few heavy sorrows in my life - my instinct to share both accentuate Mom's absence.