I've realized recently that I hold on to unpleasant emotions in order to protect others. I have made it my responsibility to hide my own pain and anxiety to make sure everyone in my vicinity is happy or, at the very least, not experiencing their own emotional discomfort.
I learned this as a little girl. I discovered I could affect the people around me by helping, smiling, giving the right answers, or just being silent. I've created a very intricate (subconscious) system using each of those elements to place myself in the world, garner praise, and make others happy.
I don't contradict people in conversation, even to correct a misunderstanding.
I am self-conscious of tears, even when there's no reason to hide them.
I keep quiet when I'm not 100% sure my ideas will be accepted.
But I'm getting pretty sick of myself.
Life has thrown some curve balls my way, and there are times I really want to walk away from needs I can't meet. Sometimes the best form of self expression is a sob. I don't know anymore when to keep quiet and when to speak up. But I'm still using my Good Girl Kit of Minor Remedies.
So my heart soars when I read things like this:
I have nothing to announce. There have been no breakthroughs. But my ears are tuned to hear more about vulnerability, honesty, audacity, and authenticity.
Thank you for sharing the journey with me here.