If there are any silver linings to Moms Alzheimer's diagnosis (and most days there aren't) one might be my increased appreciation for living.
I scour my life for beauty and sweet memories and divine encounters. I've uncovered a lot of treasures. Sometimes it feels naive and indulgent to be so swept up in grateful emotions and let the tiniest little things thrill me (I was nearly moved to tears during a peanut butter commercial this week). But it's a practice I plan to continue.
Some days are dark, cry-til-my-gut-hurts days. Last weekend I felt bulldozed by grief. I wrote angry words in my journal, and wallowed in the helplessness I felt. I purged all the sorrow-sludge up from the depths. Not pretty. I'm not comfortable sharing that stuff here.
But then there are weekends like this one, where I meet new friends and have meaningful conversations and the sun shines and I sense a Midas-touch of celebration. Creativity and inspiration abound. The world is a beautiful place.
Grief has widened my perspective. I feel like a funnel, taking in more than I have the capacity to contain.
I move forward with open arms, vulnerable but receptive.